OK

"I'm okay." 

We use this to tell people we're fine, that we aren’t upset, that we're....okay. 

A lot of the times for me after I moved I told people I was okay when I really wasn’t.

My friend Ryan would sometimes ask me if I was okay. I would say yes when the answer was really no. I wasn’t sure why but my problems in my mind seemed so big that I couldn’t explain them to anyone and I would explode if I said “no I’m not okay.” 

Maybe I said I was okay because I thought I might cry if I said how I really felt. I’m not sure now the answer to why I said “I’m okay.” when I clearly showed I felt otherwise. 

It made me feel good that my friends noticed something was up. But I also didn’t want to tell them what was up. Strangely enough some of my most depressed moments was when I was with my friends. I guess it was because these were the friends who lived so far away from me now, who I used to hang out with all the time. On the days they came to visit me It made me sad to know that soon they would leave and I wouldn’t know how soon I would see them again. 

Thus the voice saying “I’m okay.”

And the heart saying “no I’m not.”

There were people like my Bff Ellie, Ryan, and my parents who could tell that even though I said I was okay, I really wasn’t. I still didn’t talk much about what was wrong. The person I confided in most was my Bff Ellie. 

Today things are a little better. I think if someone asked me if I was okay, I could say yes and mean it.  

Maybe now if they ask me what’s wrong I can say what's wrong. 

But I know I feel a lot better today than I did five, six, seven months ago. I feel. . . OK =)

Victoria . . .